New Discovery In Health Science

I was sitting on my couch just watching commercials, because that's all that real Americans do, right?  They watch commercials and pointless reality shows.  But I regress.

Anyway, a very interesting commercial came on.  I'm pretty sure you've all heard of it, but it's the all-amazing, apparently proven miracle drug known as Lipozene.

Calling you fat since 2005.

It seemed perfectly normal for a Lipozene commercial at first, calling everybody fat and blaming it on our glycemic indexes and what not, with a pencil thin woman providing information and random people who somehow lost weight by taking in 1500 mg of glucosamine three times a day.  That was, until they started talking about the pill itself. I quote this directly from the commercial: "Scientists have discovered a capsule..."

Hold on for a daggum minute!  You're meaning to tell me that this magical diet pill, apparently used by the ancient Mayans (which explains how they were so thin), has been sitting in a crumbling, booby-trap laden temple on some remote island in the middle of nowhere just waiting to be discovered by our swashbuckling health scientists with their overbearing chutzpah?

Sorry, archaeology majors, I'm afraid it's time to switch your profession choice.  Health science is the new cool, and the scientists themselves can hold off angry tribal men better than our old pal.

Don't look so upset, Indie.  It was bound to happen someday.

Well folks, if anything proves that Lipozene is a miracle drug, this is it.

Better than a golden idol could ever hope to be.

Earth's Magnetic Field

One day, out of sheer curiosity, I opened up the God-sent, CPU hogging, massive program known affectionately as Google Earth.  I started randomly exploring places, you know, such as Area 51 and the like, but, after engaging in a nice conversation with a friend of mine, I got bored with it and, just like everyone else, started spinning the earth around as fast as I could.  Then I discovered something truly amazing:

There was a strange circle of gray rectangles in the exact center of Antarctica.

Signs of intelligent life?  On this planet?  Absurd.

My curiosity sparked, I decided to do a little research.  After hours of random typing and clicking on Google (Bing sucks, just face it), something totally unrelated to my search topic happened to catch my eye.  It was an ad in bold lettering titled "Eskimos Originally From Antarctica?"  I had no choice but to click it.  What I would find would haunt my already disturbing dreams and would bring about an almost religious revelation.

Basically, the article stated that way back in the day when Earth was Pangaea, there was a tribe of Eskimos that lived in what we now call Antarctica.  There are fossil records that prove this.  I'm not going to say what these records are or where they're at, because you are probably the typical American and will just take my word for stuff.  So believe it.  I'm telling you the complete truth.

Anyhoo, tests were conducted at the University of Phoenix that proved that, during Pangaea, tribes of Eskimos actually did migrate throughout the massive continent, and laid the foundations for the people spread in the various locations after Pangaea split up, such as the Mesopotamians and the Aztecs.  Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So right now you might be asking, "What does this have to do with Earth's Magnetic Field?"  Well, put down the Mountain Dew and wipe off those cheesy fingers because what I'm about to tell you is something you need to brace your self for.  No, not embrace.  Okay, ready?

As we all know, Earth's magnetic field protects us from cosmic radiation.  If it weren't for this invisible force shield, we would all be fried as if Picard had shot us with his phazer on maximum setting.  However, Earth did not always have this nice protective force field around us.  Now before you start blaming the aliens you must first know that the Eskimos were immune to this radiation from the cosmos.  However, vegetation wasn't so great, and food supplies were scarce for the people, save for the few and far cannibalistic tribes, thus explaining the migration across Pangaea.  Oh, by the way, this was all proven true according to studies conducted by NASA.  Furthermore, because the Eskimos were such geniuses back in the day, they realized that they could boost vegetative production and thus establish an entire ecosystem by somehow reducing or completely stopping the flow of radiation into Earth's atmosphere.  How did they do this?  Well, underneath the crusts of the earth they discovered massive blocks of magnetic ore.  They took half of them to one side of the planet, and the other half to the other side.  From there, they constructed perfect circles of the magnets.  At one side of the planet, they built it so that only the "north" side of the magnet faced inward (of the circle, that is), and on the other was just the opposite.  This created the nice magnetic field we know and love today, and established our polar "North" and "South".

As one can clearly see, it's a highly sophisticated structure of blocks slapped on top of each other, similar to your little brother's legos.

So, what happened to our resistance to radiation?  According to the principles of Lamarckism, after years of really having no need for radiation resistance, we simply lost the ability when the gland that provided that protection shrank.  What was this magical gland?  The pineal gland.  That's right.  I found this information from a credible scientifical website. 

The blocks were originally put together similarly like a large building, with layers reaching miles deep into the crust.  Constant winds and the tendency of the planet to be ever-changing have uncovered the top layer in Antarctica.  As for the north pole, the crust the blocks were buried under were flooded over, but both structures are still fully functional.